Social Anxiety Sucks

I had a lot of friends in grade school. I talked to all of my classmates. I was always first to raise my hand and I always got in trouble for talking too much.

But all of that changed when I moved to the states at 12.

The language barrier made me become painfully aware of how different I was. I was deadly afraid to speak. 

Every sorry, what? felt like a dagger twisted into my chest. 

For a few years, I practically stopped talking. 

I had no friends and only spoke English when I had to.

I spent every minute reading and watching TV to absorb English as fast as I could.

I went to bed praying I would quickly learn English and make friends.

I fell asleep dreaming of the day my English was perfect and I could be myself again.

There was so much life inside me that wanted to break free it hurt.

In a few years, my English picked up exponentially. School work became easy. Even my English teachers told me I should be a writer. 

But all this knowledge and still no words would come out when I needed them to. My armpits still sweated, my heart still raced and my mouth still felt as dry and stiff as 12 years old. 

By 16 I knew the language barrier was just an excuse. 

I had to admit that I’d developed a crippling social anxiety and I had to do something about it.

So I looked online and learned how to be confident.

I practiced my smile.

I counted how many teeth I wanted to show.

I told jokes in the mirror

I watched comedy and looked for personalities I wanted to mimic. 

I paid attention to how I looked and changed how I dressed.

In a few years, it paid off. 

I was making friends. My weekends were filled. I had way more confidence and I was killing it in the dating scene.

I had everything I wanted since 12 years old.

But a few years into my 20s and all of that began to wear me down. 

I was fucking exhausted. 

The jokes, the friends, the guys, the games — they all felt hollow. I left every party being the most fun only to come home and feel the loneliest.

But what was the alternative? Go back to being a hermit?

No, that can’t be an option.

So I started drinking more. Instead of outdrinking people at parties, I started outdrinking myself in the car, in class and in my bed.

Outdrinking the hollowness that followed me everywhere.

This went on until I was 27, standing on the podium and receiving my Doctor of Dental Surgery diploma.

All those years, I was working towards something bigger than my problems. So everything felt justified — the drinking, the emptiness, the meaningless relationships.

It’s ok. As long as you accomplish your goal, everything will be alright. 

I stood on that podium and in that very moment, everything came back. All the insecurity, unhappiness and everything dark that I’d been pushing away. They all came back to say: where are you going to run now?

For a second, I felt like the ground was going to open up and swallow me inside.

I wished it did.

A year later, I quit my job and ran away to an island.

I thought I’d found everything I wanted. 

Web3 was the place I was going to make a difference. A real difference. A place where newfound meaning and hope sprouted.

I spent every day on Discord, in spaces, reading white papers and scrolling crypto Twitter.

Then the market crashed. This time I was in real trouble. Because I’d lost 80% of my money and I had no job.

It turned out to be a blessing (I explained it here) because in the darkest days, I gained clarity into the very thing I’ve been running from since I was young.

I realized I didn’t want to have as much to do with Web3 as I once thought I did. I still loved the innovation.

But I realized I didn’t want to wait around for Web3 to change my life anymore. The same way I was tired of hoping friends would make me happy. Or becoming a dentist would make my problems go away.

For the first time, I wanted to fix the broken pieces within.

Because the only thing worse than a crippling anxiety is the very fear to accept yourself— broken pieces and all.

I wanted to build a home where I could stay and relax no matter where I am in life.

I was finally ready to stop running.

And once again, my life pivoted.

A lot of time, we see the promise of a picturesque happiness — the most popular girl at the lunch table, the most successful friend in a friend group, the most beautiful family — and we can’t help but chase after it.

Not because we care to be better than other people. But because we simply want to be happy and we don’t know where else to look.

That’s all we know.

The problem is we’re looking in every place except the one that actually matters.

And so every successive gain becomes another block on the endless chain of dissatisfaction.

Kinda like when my boyfriend asks me what I want for dinner and I say: it doesn’t matter

Then he comes home with a pizza and I’m like: what is this shit?

I guess what I’m saying is:

If you’re running and running and the void keeps getting bigger and bigger — maybe it’s time to stop saying ‘it doesn’t matter’ and be the one to pick your own dinner.

Thank you for reading. Here’s what you do next: 

1. Clap for me here to let me know you liked this (don’t make me guess what you want for dinner) 

2. Write down one thing that you have been running from and put it on the wall

3. Have a fantastic day

Chao ❤️