Productivity & Busyness⎯ The Witch's Potion

“Qué es tu impecabilidad?”

“Qué es mi imcabablebledad?” — I repeated.

“Qué significa?”

It was Thursday night. I was sitting by a campfire and talking about life in Spanish with a stranger.

A year ago, this would’ve sounded like a simulation. So let me rewind.

On Dec. 25, I went camping with 2 women who were friends of a friend. It was the first time I’d gone camping without my boyfriend, let alone a camping trip with only women.

We spent the day chasing waterfalls, stopping by a local dive bar to play pool and went back to the campsite to grill and eat meat by the fire.

I was highly inspired.

Inspired to realize I have never done anything by myself.

I consider myself an independent woman in the sense that I could make my own money and don’t need to be in a relationship. But I never really did anything alone.

After that trip, I realized I wasn’t so independent after all.

So I decided I needed to do a solo camping trip before my boyfriend returned.

I looked at the man — the owner of the campsite. I was the only camper there so when I saw him climbing up the hill after I just finished setting up the fire, I was surprised.

Why is he here? What does he want?

He sat beside me as I started cooking my ramen. I secretly pulled the machete close to me.

He asked what I studied.

I told him I studied dentistry but I was no longer a dentist.

“De verdad? Por qué?”

With my limited vocabulary, I simply said because I was looking for freedom.

For some reason that meant a lot to him.

He was the type of man who talked to the stars, listened to the wind and always smiled with his eyes.

So we started talking about life, about the present moment, about work, education and the state of the world.

We didn’t talk about families or anybody at all.

Conversations flew effortless through bursts of laughter, cries at the sky and arms flinging wide open to encapsulate the mountain air.

After some time, he got up. He put his hand on his chest and thanked me for being here. He assured me that all the gates were locked, the site was safe and if I needed anything I could just yell ‘Jorge’.

I was once again alone. I stared into the fire and thought about my answer — my impecabilidad.

The last 4 weeks have been tough for me mentally. I have this expectation that I was going to be so productive, create so much stuff and do so much growing while I’m alone.

What ends up happening is a constant oscillation between really productive days and a terrible rut.

I would get up at 5 AM and do everything one day and then stay in bed watching Youtube all day the next.

Finally, I hit the wall and it looks like this:

Productivity and busyness is like a witch’s potion. It helps you get work done and fuels your ambition but it gives you amnesia. It makes you forget why you want to get so much done in the first place. It steals your memory of the big picture. Sometimes, it even blinds you from the thing you’re secretly escaping from.

Why are we here?

Why are we grinding?

We start to suffer when we forget our why.

The good news is, the antidote is free and simple.

One dose of solitude mixed with an equal dose of nature.

Frequency and length strictly depend on how long you’ve been under the influence.

As I stared into the fire, I couldn’t help but think about the things that had to go right for me to be in this exact moment.

The sky is my roof

Coquis are my music

The wind is my AC

Open fire is my kitchen

I can’t count the number of things I had to say no to in order to get here.

The things I had to learn to let go of (the idea that being alone is dangerous, being outside is dirty, camping is inconvenient) and the parts of me I had to kill.

I didn’t feel like this when I made a million dollars. The happiness was exhilarating but short-lived. What followed was the greed for more and a sense of righteousness.

Right now, I don’t want anything else than to stay in this moment intensely. It’s as if my heart is so full it’s over-pouring.

I stare into the fire and I feel it burning inside of me.

I am connected to everything.

I think the only point in life is to experience moments like this.

Not while you’re camping or doing something extraordinary but in the most ordinary days.

From your apartment, your car and your desk.

It takes knowing yourself and having courage to let go of things your ego wants.

It takes constant practice.

You can read and listen as much as you want. You can research ways to live a good life, have a healthy body and a still mind.

But without practice, it’s like trying to feel full from reading a menu.

The thing that we humans ultimately want to achieve — whether you describe it as total joy, freedom or love —

It’s not something you arrive at.

It’s moving one step at a time knowing that you are always getting a bit closer.

But it’s also failing, getting sidetracked, and learning to recognize when you do so you can take the steps necessary to recalibrate.

As for me, my impecabilidad is to honor life.

I want to create meaning and purpose in honor of this life I am so lucky to have. Not to be productive and busy for the sake of ambitious goals.

As I write this newsletter, free from amnesia at last, I hope in inspires you to find your own antidote.

If you’re struggling under its spell again, I’m always here to remind you:

Life is not that serious.

In its infinite beauty lays everything you deserve — total joy, freedom and love.

Qué es tu impecabilidad?