Where Did My Pain Go?

A few weeks ago, I shared with you that I did MDMA for the first time.

Since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about my past— specifically when I was 12 years old.

It’s when I moved to the states. And for a long time, I’ve compartmentalized it like this:

• moved to the states > became a dentist

I just now realized there is a huge flaw in this logic..

Growing up, I was really close to my dad’s side of the family. He has 9 brothers and sisters. I saw my cousins all the time. We lived only 15 minutes away from each other. We were there through each other’s every milestone.

When I moved away, I lost all my friends and family. Yet I never allowed myself to be sad.

Every time I missed home, I reminded myself what a great opportunity I had. That people moved all the time, it’s no big deal.

Lately, I found myself thinking about her.

She was in a lot of pain. But she never learned to process it. So…

where did that pain go?

What had it transformed into without my awareness?

When I’m so quick to get angry, is that my pain manifesting?

When I’m always the first to end a relationship, is that me running from pain?

When I’m so ambitious and want so much from myself, is that me trying to build up a big exterior to house and protect my pain?

It’s crazy to realize I have no idea how much of me today is made up of a pain I experienced 18 years ago.

So here’s this week’s assignment for you:

You don’t have to dig up painful memories like peeling dry scabs off a wound. But every time you find yourself thinking:

that’s just who I am

Be open to the idea that perhaps who you are is just a collection of baggages you’ve picked up among the years. Baggages that, once you are aware of them, you have full permission to put them down.

Idk, could be fun.

This week’s content:

I’m experiencing a huge drop in my engagement and reads on Medium. But before I let myself panic, I’m reminding myself of this:

Content creation is just like anything else. Progress is not straight forward. We can’t be up only.

There’s a cycle to everything in life— day and night, seasons, the clouds.

I am no different. Why should I fight it?

Why We Long For The Good Ol’ Days

I Never Learned to Hate My Dad 

Photo of the week:

Quote of the week:

Okay, time for me to go see my first showing (told you I’m buying land)

Ciao ❤️

—A