The Death Grip Money Has on Me

My mom is 60 years old. She single-handedly raised me. When I was younger, she often had to skip meals or eat crumbs and bones so I could have a good dinner.

She has 2 houses in Vietnam and one in the States today.

I have been begging her to retire for 2 years.

I ask her:

If I give you enough money to pay your mortgage and live comfortably, will you still go to work?

She says:

Yes, then I can use the money I make from working to help people. Helping other people makes me happy.

Last month, Ray’s mom had another job interview at age 63.

She came from a similar background as my mom. They never had “two pennies to rub together” as she likes to put it.

She went to school, worked hard and climbed the corporate ladder.

Eventually, she became VP of finance at one of the biggest corporations in America.

Recently, she was laid off 3 years before her retirement plan.

She owns multiple properties. Has more than a million dollars in other assets.

Ray asks:

Why don’t you just retire now?

She says:

Daddy and I are worried we don’t have enough in case we get big medical bills.

I have been struggling with my own relationship with money for over 2 years.

I find myself getting tugged, pulled and violently yanked from the place I want to be.

Let’s call that place the Garden of Peace.

It is the place where I live every day in alignment with who I am. It’s where I walk out to my yard to greet the first sunlight and my beautiful plant babies.

It’s where I exercise, meditate, yoga.

It’s where I sit and watch the clouds. And jump in excitement every time I see a butterfly makes one of my flowers her rest stop.

It’s where I open my notebook to write down my thoughts and share them with you.

All while having a smile on my face.

But half way through all of that, I feel a violent yank, teleporting me into this other place.

There’s no sunlight there. And the air is moist and limited.

It is where I hear: 

You’re not making as much as you should be. You’re not taking care of your mom as well as you could. You’re not supporting your dad, your cousins, your friends.

You’re not walking around dropping G’s on the street to make the homeless guy’s day.

You could be. But you’re not.

Because you choose to spend your time in that other place instead. Living and acting like a new age hippie. 

I frequent these two places like home and work.

It’s hard for me to create in that place. Hard for me to do anything besides obeying what it wants.

It tells me:

If you grind hard enough, one day you will be successful and solve everyone’s problems.

That is when you deserve happiness.

That’s why I spend a lot of time trying to understand and change my relationship with money.

It’s like this toxic relationship that I didn’t realize I was in. Now that I do, I want nothing more than to escape it.

Through reflection, I come to a staggering realization:

It was me who trapped myself in this toxic relationship all along.

I have convinced myself of these truths in life.

I convinced myself that: 

• I needed all this money because I wasn’t deserving of love and respect if I didn’t have it.

• I wasn’t capable of doing anything else besides making money and it’s the only place I can measure my self-worth.

• It’s easier to keep making money than to face the idea that I don’t know who I am without it

I was too lazy to do anything else in life. I didn’t want to figure out how to fix my toilet, grow my own foods or build healthy relationships. I just wanted to make money so I can pay someone else to handle my life for me.

I didn’t think I was strong enough to endure a difficult life.

So I used money to build myself an armor. To protect myself from hurt, put myself on a pedestal and ‘take care’ of people without really having to be there.

We chase after money because it promises everything we can dream of:

• purpose 

• security

• adventures

• knowledge

• experiences

It’s one path that you can keep following and tinkering with. You feel safe because you are the expert in this area.

We don’t like to acknowledge this — but the hard in ‘hard work’ that we do to make money is one of the easiest things to do in life.

It’s a whole lot easier than getting to the gym when you’re tired just to show up for yourself

It’s a whole lot easier than saying no for no reason other than we feel it in our gut

It’s a whole lot easier than to accept ourselves even when we can’t be the help everyone needs us to be.

Aha.

Perhaps that’s what it is.

Perhaps we chase money because it’s a whole lot easier than doing the work on ourselves. Because deep down, we are all afraid.

We tuck away the essence of who we are into a box. Unintentionally at first. Then it becomes a habit and everything that we don’t like about ourselves begin accumulating in there.

Eventually, it turns into the Pandora box that we would do anything to run from.

Luckily, that version of me died when I lost all my money.

I was as vulnerable as a soft-shelled crab.

But that toughened me up real quick.

Turns out life has a way of humbling you. But she will also build you back up the right way.

I developed a new shell with real skills.

I figured out how to do life without money.

I learned how to find a home within myself.

I practiced showing up for people I love with my presence rather than throwing money at them.

The practice of mindfulness is what helped me get there. When I am mindful, I don’t think about anything else but the present moment.

It reminds me that all of life’s miracles are already here in front of me.

Contrary to what the dark place tries to say, I can be happy right here and right now.

I feel it.

But even though that version of me has died a beautiful death, her ghost still haunts me every day.

Even when I know what I should do. Even when I’ve moved on to a better relationship.

I may be done with it, but it isn’t done with me.

Such is life. 

Nothing meaningful in life can be achieved like a flip of a switch.

It requires our consistent effort. It ebbs and flows into our lives and tests us on the daily to remind us where we want to go.

The better you understand yourself, the better you will understand its pull.

The easier you will escape its grip.

I believe there are depths to it. And it is possible to know myself so deeply I find a home within strong enough to protect me from any pull without.

I believe you and I can get there.

And we will meet in the Garden of Peace.

Together. Free at last.

-A ♥︎